DunstKirsten's Xanga

Changes

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:41:47 GMT

Well guys, I'm blogging on google's blog now. If you wanna read about my deep feelings or just about where I'm at physically, spiritually, or mentally check out leah-zeal@blogspot.com. See ya. I'm be by from time to time to visit.

Hi Kristen, just wanted to give a little shout out to my good ol' roomie there :) You know.

The death of someone we all know.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:12:14 GMT

The Passing of Larry LaPrise

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed a few weeks ago.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make
them smile.

Although the great man, Larry LaPrise, really did die. Thank you Sir for all the great times of Hokie Pokey in my life! Amen.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:44:38 GMT

Alight so...I have a really crappy attitude and I can't shake it. We hang out all the time and I get frustrated ALL the time. I have my faults and so does she. I need to learn to actually love people. Sanctification is a very long process. Why do I learn so slowly. In high school I was a quick learner, except when it came to memorizing the periodical table for Chem. II. I have this horrible competitive attitude as well as the crappy one, which makes it twice as hard on my friends that actually hang out with me still. What's my problem. God who have I become? How do I change? I've also become a control freak which gets in the way of all my relationships, except for my parents. For some reason I do everything I can to achieve my satisfaction from my parents and I work hard to put them first when I'm around them and my baby sister. But why am I a rip that's totally selfish and controlling that speaks down to people as if I'm a "better person" or something?
Watching the movie "In Her Shoes" and seeing how the two sisters each have a great quality, but lack in some way as well. The one sister is smart and successful, but not very physically attractive and the other one, Cameron Diaz, is pretty, but not very smart and can't keep a job, and she also thinks that life will be given to her on a silver platter. I won't tell you the end, but one old guy takes time and patience to tell Cameron that she's smart and for once in her life she actually feels like she is. My middle sister is beautiful and my youngest sister is smart, but what about me? Responsible, not quite. Sometimes aren't we all selfish in wanting to just stop pouring into people and want someone to pour into you for once and make you feel special? Maybe I'm just being a woman...all emotional and sentimental.
Quote of the day: Why is it that while people are alive we can only bad mouth their faults, but after they're dead we only say the great things?

Why do we waste all the compliments and sentimental feelings on people after they're gone and not to their faces while it still matters?

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 14:58:52 GMT

Let it snow! I like the snow, but only this much. I don't like driving in it and I don't like being paranoid of falling on my face in front of a ton of people and making a fool of myself. These are things I can get over though. It' beginning to look a lot like Christmas, that's what excites me the most. This semester was slow for like one day, it's totally flown by.

The thing I've been struggling with the most is my pride. I had a thought that maybe each person is made with their downfalls because if we were good at everything then we would, at least I would, be extremely prideful. For example, I've really been struggling with being an average student. I can try my best and still can't get A's. I didn't know that when I started to realize this in high school that it would be the huge thing that humbles me in my college career. Although beginning to deal with this particular area of pride has blown up in my face to uncover many other areas of my life that are FULL of pride. I'm learning this lesson the hard way and the hardest things about it is that it's going to be ongoing for the rest of my life. God is continuously showing me that He doesn't need me, I need Him. His plan and work will go on even if I don't become a missionary or go to a different country. God's work will still get done. I'm a lot more prideful than I thought I was.

I need lots of prayer with my struggle. Thanks to all the people that have been around me this semester and put up with my horrible attitudes while I'm learning to discipline myself in this area. Special thanks to my roommates who see me every day. I must act like a bi-polar person sometimes. I'm happy and excited about life one day, a crying and being frustrated the next. Thanks Tabz, Kristen, and Krista. I ask of you three to help me by keeping me accountable on this. Thanks to all Christians in my life who spur me on in my relationship with Christ. I appreciate you more than those that just go through my life being a people pleaser. Thanks to God who knows all my faults and still loves me unconditionally and never gives up on me, while encouraging me at the same time.

Still learning...

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:24:23 GMT

Well, here I am again. Today is the first day of school and I've already had my first counseling session of the year. I've been ignoring God for a few weeks now simply because I didn't know what to say. Sounds pretty stupid huh? Well it was actually. Sara came to eat lunch with me at the apartment so that we could have our first good talk and well...I ended up being counseled by three of the most encouraging girls in my life right now. Kristen, Krista, and Sara gave me advice on what to do now. God is showing me that I'm a completely different person than I thought I was. Over the summer I lost two best friends, one to a car accident and one to the end of a season in my life, it was time to move on. God was right, but I was too scared to pray the prayer and not willing to hear the correct answer. God is humbling me in some huge ways. I hate them, but they need to happen. God pulled a huge monster out of me and I looked at it right in the face this summer and God's told me that I was looking at myself. That monster really did scare the crap out of me. So God is showing me so many things about myself and I'm learning and asking for accountability and working on them with the help of my friends according to Gal. 6:2. Tonight is my first class and I'm pretty pumped. I missed having homework, really I like doing it. I know I'm weird, but I get to study the Bible for my hw, how many people get that opportunity?

Lord let your mercy wash away all of sin,
fill me completely with your love once again.
I love you, I need you...I need you, I want.
I love your presence.

Can't remember it verbatim, but you know the song. For the Christians reading this: Sing it in your head, but don't lie when you say it, really mean it, and if you can't really mean it, then don't sing it until you do. There are a lot of Christians that lie during worship service while they sing the songs ya know. I'm guilty.

I'll leave you with Psalm 55:1-look it up, it'll be good for you! ;)

Learning...it's always difficult!

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:23:29 GMT

So I'm learning to not be dependent on people and depend on God for every breathe, good feeling, smile, contentment, peace, and mostly healing. I've realized that I harbor a lot more bitterness toward my family then I thought and it usually ends up being taken out on my closest friends and then I feel horrible. I'm a really prideful person...this I've realized because whenever I'm a part of a conflict I automatically think that it's the other person that's in the wrong, not even recognizing that I am part of the problem as well. I want God to break me and lately I just find myself rambling on and on to God, although I guess it could be technically praying by some people's doctrine, but I just talk to Him like I would any person a lot of the times. THIS rambling to God that I "catch" myself doing is the greatest thing that has EVER happened to me. God and I are finally getting to the point where I've surrendered every part of me (or at least putting forth an effort) and letting Him into my life ALL the way, not just parts like I used to. God is finally my best friend, this has got to be the greatest joy in my whole life. I love it! I've prayed to be broken of the pridefulness when I wasn't even willing to be broken, I just knew I needed to be. God has seriously, amazingly, beyond my imagination filled every hole in my heart (whereas before I didn't allow Him to because I was scared or because I wanted to stay hurt because I felt it my right). Wow was I terribly wrong. So...by inspiration of Lisa Williams here's my quote of the day (actually she wrote the whole thing and I changed it to fit my life):

"I am doing my best to live as a child of God. I fail more than I succeed, but strive to learn from my failures. I often feel directionless and passionless, but I know God is in control. I'm living in Greenwood, In for what will most likely be the hardest summer of my life, but I'm banking on the fact that God is going to change me and strengthen me in the midst. Feel free to send lovin' my way...I'll take all I can get. :)"

Thanks Lis, for putting my feelings into words when I didn't know how. I have to prepare for a meeting that I have in 15 minutes with the lady that will be transferring into the recruiting department into my boss' boss position, so gotta go. BUT thanks for taking time for me and reading this, that...makes me feel like it's actually worth writing. LOOOOVE!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 19:10:25 GMT

God you are Lord and King of Kings. I know that. My life is changing all over the place and so am I. I'm becoming bitter and self-involved. I know I shouldn't be this way, and only God can help. Have you ever gotten to a point in life where you know that you need to have God time, but you knew it was gonna hurt really bad so you just decided to sulk in your selfishness for a while until you just can't take it anymore. Well I'm getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore. I don't know where I belong in life because everything is out of my control. Which is good because I need to learn this lesson, but I'm fighting God really hard and I don't even really know why. One word: pride. I need to know who I am in Christ. I need to realize that outside of being Student council President, outside of working at Shepherd, outside of being the oldest child who thinks I always have to be there to fix things, outside of being known as a best friend...I need to know that I"m a daughter to the king. I'm His kid and that should be enough for me.

Easier said then done right? I know all of this, but I don't apply it in my heart. God has called me to be a Missionary. I know that without a doubt. SO my only question about that is, how am I going to fulfill that calling if I don't even fully believe in the product that I'm trying to sell? Satan's lies are hard for me to deal with. Does God really know what He's doin? Sometimes I wonder if He really has everything under control. I'm never gonna live up to His standards so why do I put myself through a pity party every time I fail. I need to repent and learn from that and keep going instead of beating myself up so much like Wes did to himself. I feel guilty about being free and maybe that's where I need to let God start, with that.

I could really use a girly day of just shopping and a manicure, never had one before, a new hair cut. In a couple more weeks when I have some money I'll do that :) If there's gonna be anybody in Indiana you're welcome to come.

Is life supposed to suck?

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:36:02 GMT

At some points...yes, because God wants to grow me and teach me. Here's a sneak peek into my spiritual and emotional life for the people who care to read this.

So I have no way in heck to know what's going on right now ans I'm not supposed to...that's just it. You're right Lis, I strive for perfect, which is okay IF a person knows that they are never actually going to reach that point and accept that a person can only do the best they can and then let God do all the rest, BUT I'm not that person usually. I try to do things the hard way EVERY time it seems, my problem is that I think I'm a failure when I try so hard to be perfect and I can't. My survey hw helped me out on learning this lesson actually. Heb 10:1-10 tells us that there is no longer a need for the "first" law b/c God has enstated the "second" law which is Christ's sacrifice that makes us holy because He completes us in order so that we can worship Him better, when the burnt and sin offerings just didn't cut it.
    God you took away my control over my life and my feelings, you took away my pride in showing me that I REALLy am nothing without you. A lot of times when I fail I would like to give up and give in to Satan's lies that would actually be plain facts about myself if you God weren't a part of my life. But you know when I'm on the line of throwing in the towel and quit the ministry because at the split second when I'm about to turn to walk away, you stop me to tell me that this is exactly why you've called me to work with urban middle school kids.
    Today if I didn't learn anything else you taught me to praise you in the storm, not to doubt you in this valley that you taught and confirmed to me SO SO many times while I've been on the mountain top (thanks Elizabeth), and that I REALLY can't do anything without God. Now because I'm confused and I don't know what I need, want, or how to fix either of those things, you give me the love and caring heart along with the words to say when situations come up like they did today with Jenna. Because when she needed comfort and encouragement to go on, you gave me my feelings back and I hurt with her in order to show your love to her, and then when the situation was over I went right back to being confused again!
    Lord (I'm screaming at this point to the sky, I don't know if any other Christians do this...but I do, so don't think it's wierd) I get it...actually YOU GET it, the glory and credit for everything that I do. You get the affection that I give so many other people and things. God you made all my friends unable to understand my confusion or even be able to be in the country to know about my problem. Because you knew that I needed to go crawling and crying to your feet. You definately got my attention and I understand. God these past two weeks of confusion and not being in control really sucked, but I needed to be broken and that was my heart's desire and prayer and you answered and worked WAY MORE than I expected. I owe you my life, so here it is, it's no longer my own. Forgive me Lord for sinning against you, I'm yours.

See everyone, I'm definatetly a sinner that messes up quite frequently...and here's the proof. My challenge to the rest of you Christians out there: act like the part of the body of Christ that He made you for, don't listen to Satan though he knows your weaknesses and uses them against you, the fight IS worth the results. I'm living proof! Love you all. Thanks for reading, and JUST to let you know ;) I appreciate anyone's prayers. Thanks for being my friends guys, I appreciate the support. Kristen...I think I'll take you up on that accountability thanger!

I'm back again, finally!

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 16:28:39 GMT

Well guys, I'm back on xanga. Just took a lil vaca. YOU KNOW! In the last couple weeks I traveled to Springfield, Missouri (to some of my old stomping ground around Central Bible College) to visit some of my friends for four days, just got back from St. Johns, Michigan to visit Lisa's family with Kathryn and had a stinkin' blast with everyone.

Have really been a slacker in my prayer and devotions time. It's so easy to be in ministry and forget about my putting time in with God. I'm doing His work, but not spending any time with Him, believe me it doesn't help the daily ministry stuff go ANY easier in fact it makes it harder.

I need to publicly apologize to some people because I've been hounding some peeps and Christians in general because it makes me so mad, but then I end up being the hypocrite. So here goes...I'm sorry to my close friends at Crossroads when I go back on my promises and don't fulfill them, I'm sorry to student council for committing to things and then not coming through, I'm sorry to my friends at AU and Central Bible College for not keeping in touch and caring about you as much as I should because you all DEFINATELY deserved to be loved more than that. There are a ton of excuses that I could give as to why I didn't do certain things, but ultimately it is my decision to not follow through with my relationships and promises there's just no other way around it.

Guys I really need your prayers. I need to love people again instead of being sooo wrapped up in just making it through the day, I feel like I've lost my joy in life. I don't enjoy being alive like I used to. Though I'm slowly regaining my passion for Christ's work which is definately a blessing and a praise report. I have harbored bitterness against certain people and honestly my flesh wants to hang on to it so bad, but I need to grow up and let God handle it. Thank goodness His blood washes aways ALL of my sins and not just a few or we would all be in major trouble. Thanks for the prayers.

Lisa, Tabz, Sara, Kristen, and Krista-thanks for sticking with me and caring so much, I love you girls and you really have NO idea how much I appreciate you.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 18:17:58 GMT

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman.
And only NYC is fast enough for you.
Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career
Or simply take in all the city has to offer.